September 11^th,

I glanced through Frank’s office, didn’t find anything but I wasn’t really looking. I just grabbed the paper work I needed then got back to work. Merde, I’m so exhausted I can barely hold a pen right now. Sleepy, so sleepy.

September 15^th,

I can’t believe it’s the 15^th, that I haven’t written one of these for 4 days. Hell I barely remember the past 4 days. Am I still sick? I mean that’s not normal, right? I’m pretty sure I worked at the garage for a day or two. I am so out of it, so tired. I just woke up and I can barely keep my eyes open. I’m worried about it but it’s like as soon as I have the worry the feeling just drifts away. Maybe I’m still sick? Did I ever get sick before?

September 18^th,

I feel a little better today, not exactly clear headed but things are thinkable. I’ve actually been up for 5 hours and I’m only a little sluggish and tired. I switched from tea to Orange Juice since I’m pretty sure I’m still a little sick. Did you know that I really like OJ and cranberry juice mixed? It’s delicious and a beautiful color.

Train of thoughts need to focus… okay so now that my mind is able to gets its ducks in a row I don’t have the guts to go and check Frank’s office again. I don’t want to be snoopy but I was at the garage today and he made another one of those phone calls and I heard some of it. He kept saying something about the package almost being ready and that he’d have the money or something. I’m even more worried now, what if he’s in something deep? Maybe I’ve been watching too much CSI or NCIS. I’m already all foggy and not thinking clearly. I’m going to snoop around… there’s like mission impossible, James Bond music going on in my head.

September21^st,

Frank has a meeting in a few days and he’s going to be out of the office and away from the Garage for the whole day. I’m going to search through the office and his apartment. It’s just to see what this so called package is, what he could be in to. I’m really hoping it’s nothing serious and I was just mishearing or something. I have this bad feeling, this panic rising through the fog that I’ve been in. My body is so heavy and fidgety with it I feel like I’m suffocating in my skin and at the same time about to fly out of it. I just need to find out, I have to know. I just hope this doesn’t get me in trouble.

September 5^th,

Let’s see if this comes across well on paper… UGGGGGHHHHH!!! Hm, not quite the same affect but hell you get the point. I’m sick, I have a cold or I’m getting a cold, I don’t care I’m sick and I do NOT like it.  I’m cold and cloudy and I had to take off work. Frank brought over chicken noodle soup and Sarah brought this delicious stew her grandmother use to make her when she was sick. But I don’t want soup, I don’t want to be bundled up on the couch sniffling and coughing and feeling like shit. I don’t want to be stuck inside, or stuck anywhere. So once again UUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I hate being sick.

Anyway, Frank has been coming over and watching old movies with me at night, taking care of me while I’m sick. I can’t believe I ever had bad thoughts towards that man. He was right I was just looking for something to be wrong because I was so happy. He’s just such a sweet man, even if he does give me these weird looks sometimes, like he’s planning something or some things gone his way. I don’t know. He thinks I’m working myself too hard at the diner plus the shop, he suggested just working at the shop but I’m just going to cut back on hours at the diner. I’d miss my regulars too much.

September 7^th,

Frank’s not happy I didn’t quit to come work for him, I have started only working part time at the diner and working a little bit every day at the shop. Mostly because working on cars just gets me in this zone. I was thinking about buying a car but Frank says I should get an old one and work on it. That sounds amazing so I’m going to do that but until I can get one fixed up I feel bad because he has to drive me everywhere, or I have to bum a ride from Sarah. I’ve become kinda dependent on them both and I REALLY don’t like it. Am I a very independent person? Cause I can see that being truth.

September 9^th

Mon dieu, this car is just, it’s just…. Mon dieu. I don’t care if it looks like a rust bucket now when I’m done with her she’ll be perfect! Frank is helping me out with parts and I don’t have a garage at my house so I’m keeping it at his shop, I sleep there a lot. He’s got an apartment over the garage and a spare room. I’m practically living over there now. But this car I wish I could show it to you William, maybe I’ll have a dream about it and it’ll magically get to you. Yes I am giggling at myself, I realize I’m ridiculous. I’m excited.

September 10^th

So I’ve basically stopped working at the Diner, I’m there once or twice a week for a shift and then at the garage the rest of the time. I’ve been really tired lately and spacey, I’m probably still a little sick. Frank seems weird about it; I swear he’s excited I’m sick and weak. Like he’s happy he gets to take care of me. At times he gets this light in his eyes… I don’t know, I’m probably imagining it.

What I’m not imagining are these phone calls he takes all the time. I think he’s into something like gambling or something and he might owe some money. I’m going to start investigating it, try to figure out what’s up. If he needs money I can let him borrow some. I just want to figure out if he’s in trouble, it’s not like I’m suspicious of him. Right?

August 25^th

I think I’m happy. I think. Am I happy if I have to think about it? Whatever. My goal these past few days has been focus and unscrambling my brains. I get up early and run, like early, early. Here’s another thing, I’m not so much the morning person. Actually I’m not sure I’m use to sleeping at normal times you know like at night… and during the ass-crack hours of the morning. Anyway, off topic (something else I do a lot) I run then I get ready for work. I love work, I’ve gotten regulars in this short amount of time and Sarah, Chef D, and I have become good friend

But, isn’t there always a but?, there’s something at the back of my head. I can’t put my finger on it, I’ve mostly ignored it and kept it to myself, except Frank. I told him I don’t remember much of anything, a fact he seemed a little pleased about, we have dinner every night and on my breaks and days off I help at his garage. William! I LOVE cars! I’m a very excited about this fact, I’m even good at working on them. Do I have a car? Do I do a lot of things with cars? I can just sink into working on an engine and it’s like everything is right in the world, no worries, no messy thoughts, just calm.

Anyway, Frank says I’m just looking for trouble, that things are going so well right now that I’m just looking for something to be wrong. Maybe? I don’t know, something still feels off.

August 28^th

Okay here’s something weird Frank has gotten possessive, maybe that’s not the right word? Let me just tell you what happened. I was suppose to go shopping with Sarah yesterday because we both had a day off and I need clothes. I packed one bag when I left, there wasn’t much at the apartment I woke up in, so I needed stuff and I’d put it off long enough. Frank got mad. He was annoyed I was spending time with someone else besides him, he wanted to go shopping with me but come on! That’s a little awkward.

I don’t mean to be ungrateful to everything he’s done but some things you have to do with other girls and I really didn’t want to disturb him when he was working. We had dinner that night when I got back from shopping and he told me he doesn’t trust Sarah or Chef. He thinks they’re using me. I’m so confused.

I drank some of that tea and now I’m sluggish and tired so I’m going to go to sleep. The good thing about this tea is I don’t dream when I drink it and my thoughts don’t keep me from sleeping. I wonder if it’s keeping dream you away, I wish you’d come again I’m beginning to think you’re just my own stupid wishful thinking. Have I made up my own prince charming? (I feel like you’re laughing at that statement).

September 1^st

Frank said sorry today, I’m not exactly sure what he’s sorry for but he took me out to lunch. Says he just wants to protect me that he sees himself as my guardian. Now I feel bad for arguing but it’s done and over with now. I just don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to think about all my worries and what not. I’ve started drinking the tea more often, every night before bed and sometimes during my breaks at work.

It makes me so chill and relaxed I’m practically floating through my days, I’m laughing all the time and just happy because I’m relaxed. When I don’t drink the tea I feel tense and it makes me jumpy and anxious , I hate it, def prefer the floatiness. Sarah is worried about it, says it’s like a drug but it’s only tea. What could be wrong with tea?

August 19^th,

Every time I don’t write I feel as if I need to apologize and I laugh at myself. Sometimes I imagine you reading my letters and I can see a clear picture of you with this grin calling me Cariad and spinning me around in your arms. Who knew I was such a romantic? Sometimes I daydream about you, the other night I was having dinner with Frank (like I’ve been doing every night) and I had this… well suddenly I was with you and you were making me eat but I wanted something else. You know, a different kind of meat. I’m cracking up at myself right now and I can feel the blush even my ears burn. Subject change.

Frank has been coming in for coffee every morning when I get to work some times he even comes in for lunch and like I said we’ve had dinner every night. When he comes in I cringe, not all the time just every once and awhile. I trust him, kinda, there’s just something off. Once again I’m sure it’s me because I know I’ve seen him before, I’m sure as soon as I figure it out this feeling will go away. I just need to find out why his face is familiar or remember something. It’s making me jumpy and volatile not knowing. Like I literally exploded… well the kitchen exploded at the diner. How the hell did I live with this before? Could I control it or did fire go whoosh all the time around me? I’m thinking I could control it, there were these grimoires in the office that were written by these priestesses they talk about controlling the magic within and stuff. I’m going to go looking for Dubois’s old shop to see if someone can help me. Maybe Frank will know.

August 20^th

I didn’t tell Frank about the grimiores or about the fire thing but I did tell him that Dubois was a witch of sorts and that she owned a shop. So he took me to this witch doctor to see if the man could tell me anything. He didn’t know anything about Dubois but he noticed my anxiety and gave me a few meditation tips and this awesome mint tea. Monsieur Wesley told me I like Mint tea and I guess he was right. It just calms me completely and comforts me like nothing else.

Of course this tea isn’t as good as what I had when I met Monsieur actually it has a strange after taste and leaves me feeling sluggish. Kinda like wine does, my body gets really heavy and my brain all foggy. I’m not sure I like it to be honest, I’ve only been drinking it when I feel like I’m about to lose control.

I’m worried because when I drink the tea I can’t find the hammock, even without you there the hammock is a safe haven, sometime it’s even in this cocoon of fire and warmth. I’m sure the tea and meditation are just relaxing me and clearing my mind so completely that I don’t need it.

It’s wrong that I’m worried about it, Frank is just helping me out. He’s really a nice guy.

August 21^st

I’m so tired; I tried to control the fire thinking I was calm enough for it. I just blanked out when I was trying and the fire appeared on my hands and then it was over my arms. I basically dunked my upper body in the deep kitchen sink. I can’t do this, I don’t want to be this person. Why can’t I just be normal? And if I try to be normal will this power just explode? The tea helps, it makes it harder for the heat to reach my skin, I can handle being cold as long as it’s controlled. But for how long will it be controlled?

August 11^th

I was being watched today, this guy came in and sat out of my section and just kind of stared at me. I had the oddest feeling that I knew him but I couldn’t place his face. So I went up and asked him, I’ve come to realize I’m a very blunt person, but all he did was order some pie. I told him his waitress would bring it but he said he wanted me as a waitress. Honestly was getting a little weirded out especially when he moved into my section so I could be his waitress. Finally he came out and said he knew my adoptive mother, Ms. Dubois. I honestly didn’t believe him at first, didn’t trust him, not that I had a reason for any ill will towards him he just gave me the creeps. He stayed and ate, watching me… He told me he owned the auto shop next door. Creeped me out more, I had Chef D walk me home.

August 14^th,

I wish I had the guts to send these, to send anything to you. I’ve sent a few post cards to Monsieur Wesley. I’m not sure if he got them, none were from New Orleans for some reason I thought it’d be better if no one knew where I was. But now I need someone to talk to. That man from before, the mechanic, he’s been coming in everyday. He comes in sits in my section orders coffee or lunch and tries to talk to me. I told him my name was Mo, I’ve told everyone my name was Mo but the other day he called me Phynix. I dropped a mug and stood like an idiot in the middle of the diner staring at him. He’s gotta know who I am then, right? At first I was worried he was one of ~them~, one of the foster parents but that is obviously an irrational fear especially since I have the police reports saying they’re all dead.

Did I make a mistake saying I’d have dinner with him? I made sure he agreed to it being at the Diner with Sarah and Chef there, I didn’t stay seated long with him. I was scared and nervous; maybe I was scared he’d bring it all back or something like that. That has to be the reason, I can’t think of any other reason he would frighten me. I’m so confused and I’m lost, but whom do I trust and open up to, to talk to about all this?

August 16^th,

His name is Frank, the mechanic, he’s actually a nice guy and… is there a word for sexy dad types? Like MILF but men? Wow, that’s embarrassing but I mean he’s cute, when he’s not creeping me out. Honestly there’s something off about him, of course it’s probably me with the lack of memory and what I know about my past I’m not quick to trust anyone here. I’m so twisted up in my head right now, I want to cling to him and what he’s offering. Security, a past, a friend I don’t have to hide from but until I figure some things out I’m trying to stay aloof, or maybe distancing myself is a defense mechanism? Am I a distant person? I seem pretty friendly with everyone but not too open, I thought it was just because I’ve nothing to open up about but maybe that’s just me?

Once again I wish I would send these, not that I know how to get in touch with you considering I only know you from a dream… I just need advice, an answer, hope.  Maybe if there was someone else I had a connection with maybe I wouldn’t have this need to cling. I’ve isolated myself from everyone though and I still think it’s for the best because I don’t have other’s opinions coloring my view but, I’m lonely. I miss having something, someone to hold, to laugh with, to something… I don’t even know what I’m talking about. Did I have that? Do I really want that? I’m going to bed hoping you’ll come to my dreams again, waiting in that hammock for me. I’m beginning, no pretty sure I imagined it all, your kisses, hands… that. But if I did it once why can’t I do it again? I think this need could get dangerous, this loneliness could make me make a decision I wouldn’t normally, or I think I wouldn’t normally. but honestly what do I know about me? I’m hoping Frank can lead me in the right direction, show me a place to find answers and if not… IDK. I’m just not so sure of anything right now.

August 8th,

I don’t know why I’m writing you, besides the fact that I had a dream about you. An extremely embarrassing dream that makes me hope and wish that the person I was knows you very well. Or at least use to.

When I left LA I was a mess, I swear I’d been in a fight but in four days I’m almost healed. What am I? I came to New Orleans first, I found an ID with a name and an address, both of which I’m assuming are mine, I found a rather large house right by the french quarter with a maid that knew who I was. I searched through the house and found an office full of adoption records and police reports. Did you know? I didn’t believe it at first, I didn’t think actual people were put through things like that but, but then I saw those scars. Have you seen them? Did you know? I cried when I saw them, cried for the girl that went through it, cried because it was me.

I needed to know, at least I thought I did. I didn’t even last a week searching for those homes, for my past. I don’t want to know, I’m scared to know.

August 9th,

I feel like a coward, I am a coward. I’m hiding behind this facade, hiding in this place where I know there are answers but I’m not looking. I just have this feeling there’s a reason I forgot, or to be honest maybe I just want there to be a real reason. I mean who wants to admit they were just too much of a coward to face their own memories? Am I? Am I a coward? I HATE now knowing, I hate it but I can’t bring myself to go looking. I just can’t do it, not yet, maybe not ever.

I’ve decided to stick around NOLA for awhile, even picked up a help wanted sign from a Diner near the quarter. I’m hoping that working around people will give me a sense of who I am. Or what kind of person I am. I seem pretty nice but without all my memories, all those experiences how am I to really know? It’s your past that shapes you, your mistakes, experiences, the hardships. Maybe I’m just a really mean, cruel person. Maybe I always have been… Maybe, maybe I’m damaged. Not only physically but emotionally, mentally. What if I’m a horrible, damaged, cruel person who deserved everything that was done?

This things, they just keep circling in my head. They just keep spinning around and around and I am really beginning to wonder if I did deserve it all and what type of person was I, am I, to earn such brutality?

August 10th,

I had lunch with another waitress today, her name’s Sarah, the lunch itself was awkward and opened a floodgate of realizations. I’m lonely, I was sitting there eating with this sweet girl and I was thinking I miss this. I don’t think I ever really had normal girlfriends that you go get your nails done with, and since I burst out laughing just saying that I’m pretty sure I’m not the type to get my nails done. I miss hanging out, actually I miss having someone to hang out with. I don’t remember ever doing it but I’m beginning to crave it. Another pro on the list of who I am… I’m a social person, in a need people around to just be kinda way, not a party person or big talker.

I’m craving a connection I’m even going to bed hoping I’ll dream of you again, and lordy am I blushing, if I ever send this you’ll probably laugh your ass right off reading this wondering who this crazy chick is. I began wondering if it was touch I was craving, am I a hugger? The answer is no. I am NOT a hugger. At least not with people I’m not completely and utterly comfortable around. Even with Sarah and Chef D it was okay but I was quick to pull away. This one guy, just some random, hugged me and a chair lit fire so I’ve concluded that touching is bad and dream you was right. I am a pyro, right now I’m terrified what will light up next and I’m thinking scared and pyro don’t really mix. In short, I think I miss your touch, and I’m screwed with this fire thing.